The Toothache, the Plane & the Coffin

Before going for immersion in Iloilo, I was thinking of quitting the Postulancy Program of the Discalced Carmelites because of a realization from a “toothache.” In the middle of silent prayer, something came into my mind that if I cannot stand the pain of this toothache, how much more my ill sister’s agony for the past three months straight in the hospital?

A week after I entered postulancy, she was admitted to Makati Medical Center because of her lupus. This has been going on for the past 7 years. She’s been in and out of the hospital ever since. But this last attack, she was not able to stay home for a week. I had my moments with her at the hospital before I entered Carmel. It’s still vivid in my memory when she bangs her head on the wall just to ease the pain. I once “texted” her “’pag di ka pa gumaling, uuwi na ako!” --- there was no reply. This tormented me in my silent prayers.

As I enjoy the solitude and silence here in Carmel, and as I pray for her, it seems that this is all I can do! Should I be back there, my presence could be a great help both for my sister and my mother while at the same time I could pray for her. I’m only 25 years old anyway. I have 10 more years to discern. Maybe, I should serve first my family. But I never wanted to decide for myself. I want God to answer…and I want His answer now!

Immersion came. My concerns for my family were temporarily cast into oblivion. After two weeks though, in the middle of a wedding reception, I was fetched by the parish driver…”pinatatawag ka ni Fr. Alex.” With that line, I already knew something’s wrong back home. My sister passed away the previous night. No tears came out of my eyes. To me, she’s better now that she’s at peace. She’s already in God’s hands… I was even singing “In manus tuas Pater.” Fr. Rey handed me a plane ticket… my first time to ride a plane. Sitting on that plane, I was enveloped with numbness. I don’t know how I felt; I don’t know what I felt. I was having mixed emotions. I was longing to be with my love ones. I haven’t imagined that our reunion would turn out to be something like this. It never occurred to my mind that at that instance, all my faculties to control the situations around me were taken cared of by my BELOVED. I was soaring high “in the shadow of Your Wings…I’ll sing your merciful love…”

When the plane landed in Manila, I was curious whether people would notice certain changes in me. Four months of silence and seclusion made me believe that for sure there is something in me that God has changed. But the surprise was on me! As a postulant, I quietly boasted (or sometimes complained) about my efforts to get close to the Lord. I did the hard work of sacrifice to endure the trials of Carmel. But God was also working 24 hours a day for me. Anticipating that I’de be noticed, I was shocked at the enormous change He made in my family!

My family is a bunch of non-practicing Catholics --- unmarried parents, half brother and sisters, sibling rivalries, whole family not sold to the idea of one member entering Carmel. My half brother and my dying sister have never spoken since birth though we all grew up in the same house. This is one of my reasons for leaving Carmel as well --- their reconciliation before my sister dies.

My absence made it possible for my brother to do the things that I’m suppose to do. It seems like God’s plan is just beginning to unfold. With tears in her eyes, my mother had a hard time finishing the story of how my dying sister held firmly and tightly my brother’s hand while on their way to the hospital. Twenty eight years of bitter relationship…then a miracle! Only my family can attest to the forgiveness and healing that transpired not only to the two of them but to all of us. Maybe, just maybe, the opportunity for my brother to demonstrate his love and concern for my dying sister would not have happened if I was around. Truly, God works in mysterious ways.

My mother recalled my last text message for my sister, “Ate, pag di ka pa gumaling, uuwi na ‘ko” She was not able to reply back to me but the people around her heard that she commented jokingly, “subukan mo lang lumabas, babatukan kita!” To me, she affirms that I pursue my vocation. As I have mentioned earlier, everyone in my family is not that 100% supportive of my decision in entering Carmel. My sister’s simple statement though gave me her blessings and proved that she wants me to serve God without any reservation. She offered a great deal of sacrifice for all of us. I believe in the communion of saints. Thank God He gave me one powerful martyr sister whom I’m sure offered her suffering for all of us.
My father, the quiet type and indifferent in my chosen path, now starts to ask questions about my life here in Carmel, whether I’m happy here. He personally accompanied me to the airport for my flight back to Iloilo. Before he left for the States, I gave a call and his parting words were… “I love you.”

Honestly, I’m not used to this. My Postulant director suggested that I write my Dad a letter and tell him that I love him also. At first I was hesitant, but later on I managed to write him my very first intimate “hari ng kabaduyan” love letter. While scribbling my thoughts, I began telling him how grateful I am for having him as my father. I told him that if ever I’ll have a crisis in my vocation, I will look up to his very concrete and loving example of dedication and total sacrifice. He has shown me how it is to endure everything just for a loved one --- leaving us and working far away just to ensure our bright future. Now I know that there’s a blood flowing in me that is capable of sacrificing for a loved one. Now that I’ve also found my one true love… that is --- God… I’ll follow my father’s example of what true love is. Thank you dad! I’m really proud of having a father like you. I love you.

God has given me a great opportunity to glance at the fulfillment of His promises. Just like St. Therese… there are so many internal movements that I can only sing when I’m back home to the Fatherland. No matter how much we mortify ourselves…we cannot outdo the generosity and love of God for us. As I told you, the surprise was on me.