Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Silver and Gold I have none…
Fr. Manoling Francisco, SJ once told us in class that the Almighty God, impassible (not susceptible to pain) as he may seem, has allowed Himself to be vulnerable and to suffer pain because of His choice to love humanity. God’s suffering and pain can be compared to our response to what we see in the news. For example, we see in the news communities devastated by natural calamities --- some of us are strongly affected and we are compelled to do something; some of us just feel sorry and when we get distracted we forget what we have just seen; while others do not feel anything at all. Our response to these situations is influenced by how close we are with the people concerned. Imagine if the people reported in the news include a family member, surely the reaction is more intense. Imagine God’s position, what He must have felt, Him who knew each one of us by name, in seeing our pain and sufferings. A parent, especially mothers, knows what I am talking about. If we were in God’s shoes our heart would not be able to bear the pain that God is carrying in His heart. And yet, as Christians, we are constantly invited to follow God’s example of loving until it hurts’ (Blessed Teresa of Calcutta). We can only show true Christian compassion if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable because of love.
Some of us might not be aware that the homes of our brothers and sisters living in the 6th and 7th Streets were demolished. And like what I have mentioned above, we can have different reactions; we can be concern or indifferent. But let me share with you what we in the student friars community of St. John of the Cross Monastery see: these are not faceless people, they are our family. These people have names: ATE SUSAN, our former BEC Exe-Com Coordinator; KUYA LINO our helper in the crypt; ATE CORA, one of the Carmel Choco ladies; IVAN, member of the Knights of Columbus and sings for us as a choir member; ANDREW and JONEN our Acolytes; PAULINE our Scholar… the list is long and personal --- for each has been part of our lives in one way or another.
These are our brothers and sisters who have never slept during Simbang Gabi just to cook and prepare salabat for us. These are the same people who volunteer to man our free clinic. These are the people who prepare the Powerpoint presentations in the celebration of the Liturgy just for us to participate well in Mass. These are the people who set up tents to cover our tiange and garage sale. These are the people who prepare the altar for us. These are the persons who cook food for us at cheap prices every time we have fellowships and gatherings. These people are those asked to man the collections every Novena mass of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. Actually, these people fill up the benches every time the parish conducts seminars and other functions. In our fellowship nights we danced with them, sung with them, laughed with them. And most specially, these are the people whom we break bread with every time we celebrate the Eucharist.
It was actually early December that the news came out about the demolition. From then on our community started praying and reflecting on what God might be asking of us in this situation. Yes, our brothers and sisters are living as “informal settlers” and that the title holder of the property has the right to claim it; the land owner’s rights are protected by law. But our brothers and sisters who are informal settlers are not, or at least inadequately, protected by the society of their right to decent living, including shelter. This has compelled us to side with them for it is clear: people, children and the elderly are left homeless and they have no one to turn to. As what Fr. Rey have said, “they may not have legal rights, but still they remain the poor, the marginalized and the oppressed… it is to them that we are sent.”
This is actually a trial not only for those living in the 6th and 7th street, but a trial for us all struggling to live what Christian fellowship really means. True fellowship is not measured by yearly parties, dances, concerts, food and festivities --- it is tested in times when one of our own is hurting. It is tested by our solidarity with those who are suffering. True love is tested when it requires a sacrifice for us. This is stewardship in its very essence. Love of neighbor is nothing but stewardship.
And we have witnessed many parishioners who were moved and who actually moved for our brothers and sisters. To name a few, Johnny & Sonia Liao, Lilith Santos, Randy Borbe and the Youth Ministry, Choco Ladies & the BECs, Carmel Nuns of Gilmore & Infanta, Bro. Dhyck, Rev. Oscar, Fr. Arnie and the Fathers & Brothers at St. John of the Cross Monastery; they gave not only their time, talent & treasure, but their very selves. Even before the start of the demolition, you would see these people praying, crying, begging, negotiating, listening and talking to people. These people went there and saw the condition of our brothers and sisters. Their presence varied in different degrees but as Christians they showed solidarity and sincerity. These people allowed themselves to be vulnerable and actually feel the sorrow, fear and pain of the people. Isn’t this an actual participation in the teachings of the Incarnation? Emmanuel, God-with-us --- God embracing our humanity in solidarity with us. The OCD brothers are poor, they have nothing to give but like Peter they gave the most precious treasure they have: “Silver and Gold, I have none, only this do I have and I give you… Jesus Christ” (Acts 3:6). As a Sacrament of Christ, we are called to be His representatives in the wounded world. In a world of injustice and oppression we are called to be signs of hope for the world. We need to encourage them not to loose hope for surely God will not abandon them. What a consolation to read Pope Benedict’s latest encyclical Spe Salvi (par. 2): It is not that they know the details of what awaits them, but they know in general terms that their life will not end in emptiness. Only when the future is certain as a positive reality does it become possible to live the present as well.” By being with them, our brethren at the 6th & 7th Streets felt that the Church has not abandoned them --- that God has not abandoned them in their darkest hour.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Keys to the Dungeon
“Those who are not yet entirely blind will not allow a good guide to lead them. Still able to perceive a little, they think that the road they see is the best, for they are unable to see other and better ones…Similarly, if the soul in traveling this road leans on my elements of its own knowledge or of its experience or knowledge of God, it will easily go astray or be detained because it did not desire to abide in complete blindness, in the faith that is its guide. However impressive may be one’s knowledge or experience of God, that knowledge or experience will have no resemblance to God and amount to very little.” (Ascent of Mount Carmel Book 2 chap. 4 p.160)
I have always considered myself faithful and ever obedient to whatever I “feel” God wants me to do or to believe. By experience, I have even forgotten thousand of deeds done for the Lord which I perceive as acting in total obedience and blindness. But viewing it now, recalling all those religious experiences, I have noticed that majority of them doesn’t really involve “personal risks.” It is not really a matter of life and death. It may affect my future, but it doesn’t really penetrate the deepest core of my being. The environment or priorities may be affected but my interior faculties are not really subjected to danger. Convictions may have been strengthened or weakened but life is always uncertain. In short, risk has always been calculated. There is always a plan B.
Now the time is ripe to be blind. All methods of calculations were cast off in my mind. I have to face the biggest monster I have long kept in the dungeon of my suppressed passion. For a very long time I have been vigilant in guarding this dungeon with the best of my strength…but I never allowed my “eye” to pierce through it. Before I was convince that I can move on without seriously facing this monster…if I cannot kill him, at least I can put him in chains. He can frighten me but he cannot kill me.
But now, the master of the house wants me to open all the doors…even the secret doors. Slowly I opened the nearest to him…taking all the time I have to delay the trip in going to the most dreaded place. He stayed in one place. He never moved. And the only light that guided me as I walk around the house is the occasional glimpse to him that my eye managed to steal from time to time as I hesitate to continue in doing what he wished. My familiarity with him convinces me that anytime I ask him to just be contented to whatever I have opened already –HE’LL BE SATIFIED. He will not force me, he will not be disappointed. If I want to stop, I can stop. If I refuse to unlock certain chambers of the mansion, HE’LL UNDERSTAND.
But it is time. He is the master of the house. All is subject under his might. Is it difficult and scary for me but fired with love of him, I choose to please him. But to do this, all the previous doors must be open. These are the only windows for me to see him, since as what I have mentioned earlier, he doesn’t move from that same spot, and the only light available is the occasional glimpse to his face.
It is time. I’m on my way to the dungeon. There’s only a single door that leads to it. That door is farthest from the place where the monster dwells. The dungeon is below that portal. A stiff ladder leads to it. As I take one step at a time, being immersed and swallowed by the shadow of the darkness of my own created force field --- the shield that prevents the monster from breaking loose, the glimpse is getting blurd. I have to cast the shadows of my own army just for a small light coming from the portal way be seen. The stair is so low and deep, the sight vision of the portal where I came from seems likely to be the farthest star – twinkling it’s way to give me courage and hope that somehow, the master is there—as I go deeper, there’s no more light to guide me but only a star to remind me. It is necessary to get rid of my forces…there entails one thing, the monster is getting stronger, for he can feel the defense getting weaker. But this is necessary. I reached for the keys…it is labeled truth. My eye is blind, my one companion is fear, but my hand has the key. What will I do next?
I have always considered myself faithful and ever obedient to whatever I “feel” God wants me to do or to believe. By experience, I have even forgotten thousand of deeds done for the Lord which I perceive as acting in total obedience and blindness. But viewing it now, recalling all those religious experiences, I have noticed that majority of them doesn’t really involve “personal risks.” It is not really a matter of life and death. It may affect my future, but it doesn’t really penetrate the deepest core of my being. The environment or priorities may be affected but my interior faculties are not really subjected to danger. Convictions may have been strengthened or weakened but life is always uncertain. In short, risk has always been calculated. There is always a plan B.
Now the time is ripe to be blind. All methods of calculations were cast off in my mind. I have to face the biggest monster I have long kept in the dungeon of my suppressed passion. For a very long time I have been vigilant in guarding this dungeon with the best of my strength…but I never allowed my “eye” to pierce through it. Before I was convince that I can move on without seriously facing this monster…if I cannot kill him, at least I can put him in chains. He can frighten me but he cannot kill me.
But now, the master of the house wants me to open all the doors…even the secret doors. Slowly I opened the nearest to him…taking all the time I have to delay the trip in going to the most dreaded place. He stayed in one place. He never moved. And the only light that guided me as I walk around the house is the occasional glimpse to him that my eye managed to steal from time to time as I hesitate to continue in doing what he wished. My familiarity with him convinces me that anytime I ask him to just be contented to whatever I have opened already –HE’LL BE SATIFIED. He will not force me, he will not be disappointed. If I want to stop, I can stop. If I refuse to unlock certain chambers of the mansion, HE’LL UNDERSTAND.
But it is time. He is the master of the house. All is subject under his might. Is it difficult and scary for me but fired with love of him, I choose to please him. But to do this, all the previous doors must be open. These are the only windows for me to see him, since as what I have mentioned earlier, he doesn’t move from that same spot, and the only light available is the occasional glimpse to his face.
It is time. I’m on my way to the dungeon. There’s only a single door that leads to it. That door is farthest from the place where the monster dwells. The dungeon is below that portal. A stiff ladder leads to it. As I take one step at a time, being immersed and swallowed by the shadow of the darkness of my own created force field --- the shield that prevents the monster from breaking loose, the glimpse is getting blurd. I have to cast the shadows of my own army just for a small light coming from the portal way be seen. The stair is so low and deep, the sight vision of the portal where I came from seems likely to be the farthest star – twinkling it’s way to give me courage and hope that somehow, the master is there—as I go deeper, there’s no more light to guide me but only a star to remind me. It is necessary to get rid of my forces…there entails one thing, the monster is getting stronger, for he can feel the defense getting weaker. But this is necessary. I reached for the keys…it is labeled truth. My eye is blind, my one companion is fear, but my hand has the key. What will I do next?
The thin thread of becoming Crazy or becoming a Legend
“Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and live by what they hear. Such people become crazy…or they become legends…”
These profound words were from the movie: ‘Legends of the Fall.’ I felt that these words will help me encapsulate the thoughts that this paper will produce. Later, I will also cite some other films that reflect the strength and shortcomings of the human spirit. All people, especially those who believe that they were called by some mystifying entity greater than themselves, claim to hear an inner voice: a voice that compels them to act in order to fulfill a unique destiny of their own. But somehow along the way, because of the vagueness of the voice heard, some people mislay their way and think that everything is lost. They fail to see that the journey is part of their longed-for destiny. Because of frustration, crisis, un-met needs, and disappointments, they become depressed and fail to see the beauty of life. Quite a number of people in this age even end up crazy.
The film ‘A Beautiful Mind’ shows us an exceptionally gifted person who also listened to an inner voice: a voice that made him lose his mind. With the help of his wife, they showed that ‘the only thing greater than the power of the human mind is the courage of the heart.’ This will prompt us to ask: Where does the inner voice lie? Is it meditated by the human thought? Is it incited by the human emotion? Does it come both from the intellect and the heart? Or does it come from somewhere deeper? So deep that we cannot even classify it to belong to either intellect or feelings? The authentic VOICE comes not only from our world of ideas or reveries, but it also shouts itself from other entities outside of us. Now, can we conclude that the use of intellectual faculties is futile when it comes to the deepest longings of our being? How about imagination, daydreams, stories and tales --- how does these serve us?
The movie: ‘Life is Beautiful (La Vita E Bella)’ gives us “an unforgettable fable that proves love, family and IMAGINATION conquers all.” Hoping to shield his son from the horrors of their predicament, the father tells his son that they and everyone else in the concentration camp are competing to win a contest where the grand prize is one of his son’s favorite things --- a real tank. Out of love for his son and family, the father used his imagination to protect the one real thing --- the fact that life is beautiful. Victor Frankl in his book ‘Search for Meaning’ described how people in the Nazi camp were stripped off of their dignity and fought for their sanity. It is up to the human spirit whether to become crazy or to continue their path and become legends. This exactly is what Mr. Schindler chose --- to become a legend.
“The list is life --- whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.” From the film: ‘Schindler’s List’, we see the triumph of one man who made a difference, and the drama of those who survived one of the darkest chapters in human history because of what he did.
Going back to crazy people…it does not mean that because one is mentally challenged he will never find the path of true happiness. Sean Penn and Michelle Pfeiffer in the movie ‘I am Sam’ gave a powerful heart-melting performances about why ‘love is all we need’ to understand and see that life is beautiful despite its complexities. Movies like: Patch Adams, Big fish, Lorenzo’s Oil, Forrest Gump and a thousand others moves us to reflect that the meaning of life --- the voice within --- does not lie only at a single moment of our reflection. It is not a sole product of our deepest ponderings. Likewise, it is not only provoked by emotions. The voice constantly unfolds and conceals itself in life. The meaning of our life is seen through the lenses of our history. Just like what Socrates said, ‘an unexamined life is not worth-living’, I say that for us to appreciate the meaning of life, we must ponder the inner thread of our life and see the guiding hand that leads us. These movies that I have written here were edifying only because as viewers, we can see how everything is falling into place. We know that it will always have a happy ending.
We can say that movies are modern forms of written literature. These are timeless classics that never fail to capture the human imagination and feed the soul. Same goes with music; it is able to reach the most sacred space in the human heart. In my personal reflection, I think this is one reason why the scriptures were written (if movies were available at that time, no doubt they would have produced one). Written experiences enable us to capture what True, Beautiful and Good really means. Every difficulty spices and makes the endeavor more exciting and rewarding. It is like reading a fairy-tale: you know that they will always “live happily ever after.” These strings of stories are meant to leave an indelible mark in our heart for they are connected with our experience with the Absolute. According to Nil Guillemette, one of the reasons why we spontaneously have recourse to stories when we want to speak either of God’s action in history or of God’s action in our individual lives is that we know that, when God enters the picture, the story is bound to have a happy ending if only we give it half a chance. And, from that point of view, the stories which always ended well --- the fairy tales of our childhood, for instance --- and so we finish with divine stories --- that will also end well. So much so that we could say that our fairy tales were anticipated gospels or introductions to the ultimate Good News, while the Gospel itself turned out to be the super-fulfillment of all possible fairy tales.
I have been writing this essay without giving a personal account of my own story. I admit, at the start, I do not know how to write about tracing the Divine will in my personal history. For sure I am affected by my present state. At the moment, due to personal issues and concern, I have to admit that I am having difficulty of making sense out of what is happening in my life. Maybe, in my story, I am still in the stage of conflict. I do not want to pretend that I am at peace knowing for sure that everything will turn out well. In my story, I am not a viewer; I do not see yet the possible outcome of my journey. In my story, I listen to the obscure voice, trying my best not to go crazy! But in this life, I have done so many crazy things…so many…crazy enough to hope that I will end up being a legend. But why choose citing movies for this reflection paper? ---For they are stories about the triumph of the human spirit. These stories give me HOPE. My story is not finish yet. It’s not even written. These stories strengthen me and in a certain degree, help me keep my sanity. Henri Nouwen wrote in his book: ‘The Living Reminder. Service and Prayer in Memory of Jesus Christ [(New York: Seabury Press, 1977), pp. 65-66],’ that “One remarkable qualities of the story is that it creates space. We can dwell in a story, walk around, find our own place. The story confronts but does not oppress; the story inspires but does not manipulate. The story invites us to an encounter, a dialogue, a mutual sharing. A story that guides is a story that opens a door and offers us space in which to search and boundaries to help us find what we seek, but it does not tell us what to do or how to do it. The story brings us in touch with the vision and so guides us.” John of the Cross explained perfectly the nature of the things we HOPE for. We cannot hope for things that we have already seen. We cannot hope for things that we can predict. Hope by its very nature is unknowable. At this present moment, though it maybe difficult, I am at home with being uncertain with my future. I am willing to accept my doubts and fears. Occasionally I also get angry with God and with myself. Yes, I go crazy often times these days.
Part of our formation in the seminary is writing a journal. They said that this will help us see the inner thread of our life. Others say that there is a pattern. In a nutshell, it presents a bigger picture of what is really important for you. All experiences, even the bad ones serve as a piece of the puzzle of your life. J.R.R. Tolkien in his book: “The Tolkien Reader [(New York: Ballatine, 1966), pp. 68-69] wrote, “The consolation of fairy-stories, the joy of the happy ending…is a sudden and miraculous grace…it does not deny the existence…of sorrow and failure: the possibility of these is necessary to the joy of deliverance; it denies (in the face of much evidence, if you will) universal defeat and in so far is evangelium (good news), giving a fleeting glimpse of Joy, joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief.”
It is difficult to conclude this paper because it is part of my story --- a story that is still on-going. It is like a never ending story. Though I may say that partly, due to my free will (and also as the primary actor of my story), I can from time to time alter my act, but still I am not the script writer. The script writer is the VOICE. It provides me with the path I have to take. But what’s best is this one: THE DIRECTOR. He can see everything and change anything. When everything turns out messy, and he sees that I am not in good shape, he can always shout: “cut!” He can also change the script if he wants. And for sure, what he wants is always the best. That Director is God. William A. Barry wrote in his book: “God’s Passionate Desire and Our Response” that we all have experiences of the power of the story of God’s action in our world, of Jesus as our savior and dearest friend. We need to tell our stories. A living religion is constituted by the shared faith experiences of all those who belong to that religion, not only by dogmas and rites and buildings, as important as these are. We all have stories of God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit to tell to one another.
Eventually, my story will also end. But is it right to say that this is my story? Tristan (Legends of the Fall), John Nash (A Beautiful Mind), Guido (Life is Beautiful), Sam, Schindler, Patch Adams, and Forrest Gump has ended their story with an impact with other people’s lives. They became legends. Up until this time, they continue to touch, inspire and be part of other people’s lives --- such as mine. Their story assisted me in times of uncertainties and difficulties. Their story is not only their own, it became the story of all it touched. Same with Scriptures – it continues to reveal and conceal the story of us all.
Teresa of Avila once wrote that she heard it said that the Lord gave greater graces to those saints who went before us because they were the foundations. But still she said that we too must bear in mind what it means to be the foundations for those who will come later. For if those of us who are alive now have not fallen away from what they did in the past, and those who come after us do the same, the building will always stand firm. What use is it to us for the saints of the past to have been what they were, if we come along after them and behave so badly that we leave the building in ruins because of our bad habits? For obviously, those who come later don’t remember those who have died years before as they do the people they see around them. A fine state of affairs it is to insist that we are not one of the first, and do not realize what a difference there is between our life and virtues and the lives of those God has endowed with such graces. My story is not my own. It belongs to the continuous thread of story about God’s love for humanity. I can just hope that it will contribute to the testimony of God’s love. May it give hope to those confused. May it be a story about the triumph of the human spirit. As what Holy Mother Teresa has counseled, may it be a foundation for the next generation Carmelites. So much with the ending, let me go back to my present. Will I become crazy or become a legend? As of now, I really do not know. I go with what Forrest Gump has said, “Life is like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re gonna get.”
These profound words were from the movie: ‘Legends of the Fall.’ I felt that these words will help me encapsulate the thoughts that this paper will produce. Later, I will also cite some other films that reflect the strength and shortcomings of the human spirit. All people, especially those who believe that they were called by some mystifying entity greater than themselves, claim to hear an inner voice: a voice that compels them to act in order to fulfill a unique destiny of their own. But somehow along the way, because of the vagueness of the voice heard, some people mislay their way and think that everything is lost. They fail to see that the journey is part of their longed-for destiny. Because of frustration, crisis, un-met needs, and disappointments, they become depressed and fail to see the beauty of life. Quite a number of people in this age even end up crazy.
The film ‘A Beautiful Mind’ shows us an exceptionally gifted person who also listened to an inner voice: a voice that made him lose his mind. With the help of his wife, they showed that ‘the only thing greater than the power of the human mind is the courage of the heart.’ This will prompt us to ask: Where does the inner voice lie? Is it meditated by the human thought? Is it incited by the human emotion? Does it come both from the intellect and the heart? Or does it come from somewhere deeper? So deep that we cannot even classify it to belong to either intellect or feelings? The authentic VOICE comes not only from our world of ideas or reveries, but it also shouts itself from other entities outside of us. Now, can we conclude that the use of intellectual faculties is futile when it comes to the deepest longings of our being? How about imagination, daydreams, stories and tales --- how does these serve us?
The movie: ‘Life is Beautiful (La Vita E Bella)’ gives us “an unforgettable fable that proves love, family and IMAGINATION conquers all.” Hoping to shield his son from the horrors of their predicament, the father tells his son that they and everyone else in the concentration camp are competing to win a contest where the grand prize is one of his son’s favorite things --- a real tank. Out of love for his son and family, the father used his imagination to protect the one real thing --- the fact that life is beautiful. Victor Frankl in his book ‘Search for Meaning’ described how people in the Nazi camp were stripped off of their dignity and fought for their sanity. It is up to the human spirit whether to become crazy or to continue their path and become legends. This exactly is what Mr. Schindler chose --- to become a legend.
“The list is life --- whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.” From the film: ‘Schindler’s List’, we see the triumph of one man who made a difference, and the drama of those who survived one of the darkest chapters in human history because of what he did.
Going back to crazy people…it does not mean that because one is mentally challenged he will never find the path of true happiness. Sean Penn and Michelle Pfeiffer in the movie ‘I am Sam’ gave a powerful heart-melting performances about why ‘love is all we need’ to understand and see that life is beautiful despite its complexities. Movies like: Patch Adams, Big fish, Lorenzo’s Oil, Forrest Gump and a thousand others moves us to reflect that the meaning of life --- the voice within --- does not lie only at a single moment of our reflection. It is not a sole product of our deepest ponderings. Likewise, it is not only provoked by emotions. The voice constantly unfolds and conceals itself in life. The meaning of our life is seen through the lenses of our history. Just like what Socrates said, ‘an unexamined life is not worth-living’, I say that for us to appreciate the meaning of life, we must ponder the inner thread of our life and see the guiding hand that leads us. These movies that I have written here were edifying only because as viewers, we can see how everything is falling into place. We know that it will always have a happy ending.
We can say that movies are modern forms of written literature. These are timeless classics that never fail to capture the human imagination and feed the soul. Same goes with music; it is able to reach the most sacred space in the human heart. In my personal reflection, I think this is one reason why the scriptures were written (if movies were available at that time, no doubt they would have produced one). Written experiences enable us to capture what True, Beautiful and Good really means. Every difficulty spices and makes the endeavor more exciting and rewarding. It is like reading a fairy-tale: you know that they will always “live happily ever after.” These strings of stories are meant to leave an indelible mark in our heart for they are connected with our experience with the Absolute. According to Nil Guillemette, one of the reasons why we spontaneously have recourse to stories when we want to speak either of God’s action in history or of God’s action in our individual lives is that we know that, when God enters the picture, the story is bound to have a happy ending if only we give it half a chance. And, from that point of view, the stories which always ended well --- the fairy tales of our childhood, for instance --- and so we finish with divine stories --- that will also end well. So much so that we could say that our fairy tales were anticipated gospels or introductions to the ultimate Good News, while the Gospel itself turned out to be the super-fulfillment of all possible fairy tales.
I have been writing this essay without giving a personal account of my own story. I admit, at the start, I do not know how to write about tracing the Divine will in my personal history. For sure I am affected by my present state. At the moment, due to personal issues and concern, I have to admit that I am having difficulty of making sense out of what is happening in my life. Maybe, in my story, I am still in the stage of conflict. I do not want to pretend that I am at peace knowing for sure that everything will turn out well. In my story, I am not a viewer; I do not see yet the possible outcome of my journey. In my story, I listen to the obscure voice, trying my best not to go crazy! But in this life, I have done so many crazy things…so many…crazy enough to hope that I will end up being a legend. But why choose citing movies for this reflection paper? ---For they are stories about the triumph of the human spirit. These stories give me HOPE. My story is not finish yet. It’s not even written. These stories strengthen me and in a certain degree, help me keep my sanity. Henri Nouwen wrote in his book: ‘The Living Reminder. Service and Prayer in Memory of Jesus Christ [(New York: Seabury Press, 1977), pp. 65-66],’ that “One remarkable qualities of the story is that it creates space. We can dwell in a story, walk around, find our own place. The story confronts but does not oppress; the story inspires but does not manipulate. The story invites us to an encounter, a dialogue, a mutual sharing. A story that guides is a story that opens a door and offers us space in which to search and boundaries to help us find what we seek, but it does not tell us what to do or how to do it. The story brings us in touch with the vision and so guides us.” John of the Cross explained perfectly the nature of the things we HOPE for. We cannot hope for things that we have already seen. We cannot hope for things that we can predict. Hope by its very nature is unknowable. At this present moment, though it maybe difficult, I am at home with being uncertain with my future. I am willing to accept my doubts and fears. Occasionally I also get angry with God and with myself. Yes, I go crazy often times these days.
Part of our formation in the seminary is writing a journal. They said that this will help us see the inner thread of our life. Others say that there is a pattern. In a nutshell, it presents a bigger picture of what is really important for you. All experiences, even the bad ones serve as a piece of the puzzle of your life. J.R.R. Tolkien in his book: “The Tolkien Reader [(New York: Ballatine, 1966), pp. 68-69] wrote, “The consolation of fairy-stories, the joy of the happy ending…is a sudden and miraculous grace…it does not deny the existence…of sorrow and failure: the possibility of these is necessary to the joy of deliverance; it denies (in the face of much evidence, if you will) universal defeat and in so far is evangelium (good news), giving a fleeting glimpse of Joy, joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief.”
It is difficult to conclude this paper because it is part of my story --- a story that is still on-going. It is like a never ending story. Though I may say that partly, due to my free will (and also as the primary actor of my story), I can from time to time alter my act, but still I am not the script writer. The script writer is the VOICE. It provides me with the path I have to take. But what’s best is this one: THE DIRECTOR. He can see everything and change anything. When everything turns out messy, and he sees that I am not in good shape, he can always shout: “cut!” He can also change the script if he wants. And for sure, what he wants is always the best. That Director is God. William A. Barry wrote in his book: “God’s Passionate Desire and Our Response” that we all have experiences of the power of the story of God’s action in our world, of Jesus as our savior and dearest friend. We need to tell our stories. A living religion is constituted by the shared faith experiences of all those who belong to that religion, not only by dogmas and rites and buildings, as important as these are. We all have stories of God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit to tell to one another.
Eventually, my story will also end. But is it right to say that this is my story? Tristan (Legends of the Fall), John Nash (A Beautiful Mind), Guido (Life is Beautiful), Sam, Schindler, Patch Adams, and Forrest Gump has ended their story with an impact with other people’s lives. They became legends. Up until this time, they continue to touch, inspire and be part of other people’s lives --- such as mine. Their story assisted me in times of uncertainties and difficulties. Their story is not only their own, it became the story of all it touched. Same with Scriptures – it continues to reveal and conceal the story of us all.
Teresa of Avila once wrote that she heard it said that the Lord gave greater graces to those saints who went before us because they were the foundations. But still she said that we too must bear in mind what it means to be the foundations for those who will come later. For if those of us who are alive now have not fallen away from what they did in the past, and those who come after us do the same, the building will always stand firm. What use is it to us for the saints of the past to have been what they were, if we come along after them and behave so badly that we leave the building in ruins because of our bad habits? For obviously, those who come later don’t remember those who have died years before as they do the people they see around them. A fine state of affairs it is to insist that we are not one of the first, and do not realize what a difference there is between our life and virtues and the lives of those God has endowed with such graces. My story is not my own. It belongs to the continuous thread of story about God’s love for humanity. I can just hope that it will contribute to the testimony of God’s love. May it give hope to those confused. May it be a story about the triumph of the human spirit. As what Holy Mother Teresa has counseled, may it be a foundation for the next generation Carmelites. So much with the ending, let me go back to my present. Will I become crazy or become a legend? As of now, I really do not know. I go with what Forrest Gump has said, “Life is like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re gonna get.”
The Toothache, the Plane & the Coffin
Before going for immersion in Iloilo, I was thinking of quitting the Postulancy Program of the Discalced Carmelites because of a realization from a “toothache.” In the middle of silent prayer, something came into my mind that if I cannot stand the pain of this toothache, how much more my ill sister’s agony for the past three months straight in the hospital?
A week after I entered postulancy, she was admitted to Makati Medical Center because of her lupus. This has been going on for the past 7 years. She’s been in and out of the hospital ever since. But this last attack, she was not able to stay home for a week. I had my moments with her at the hospital before I entered Carmel. It’s still vivid in my memory when she bangs her head on the wall just to ease the pain. I once “texted” her “’pag di ka pa gumaling, uuwi na ako!” --- there was no reply. This tormented me in my silent prayers.
As I enjoy the solitude and silence here in Carmel, and as I pray for her, it seems that this is all I can do! Should I be back there, my presence could be a great help both for my sister and my mother while at the same time I could pray for her. I’m only 25 years old anyway. I have 10 more years to discern. Maybe, I should serve first my family. But I never wanted to decide for myself. I want God to answer…and I want His answer now!
Immersion came. My concerns for my family were temporarily cast into oblivion. After two weeks though, in the middle of a wedding reception, I was fetched by the parish driver…”pinatatawag ka ni Fr. Alex.” With that line, I already knew something’s wrong back home. My sister passed away the previous night. No tears came out of my eyes. To me, she’s better now that she’s at peace. She’s already in God’s hands… I was even singing “In manus tuas Pater.” Fr. Rey handed me a plane ticket… my first time to ride a plane. Sitting on that plane, I was enveloped with numbness. I don’t know how I felt; I don’t know what I felt. I was having mixed emotions. I was longing to be with my love ones. I haven’t imagined that our reunion would turn out to be something like this. It never occurred to my mind that at that instance, all my faculties to control the situations around me were taken cared of by my BELOVED. I was soaring high “in the shadow of Your Wings…I’ll sing your merciful love…”
When the plane landed in Manila, I was curious whether people would notice certain changes in me. Four months of silence and seclusion made me believe that for sure there is something in me that God has changed. But the surprise was on me! As a postulant, I quietly boasted (or sometimes complained) about my efforts to get close to the Lord. I did the hard work of sacrifice to endure the trials of Carmel. But God was also working 24 hours a day for me. Anticipating that I’de be noticed, I was shocked at the enormous change He made in my family!
My family is a bunch of non-practicing Catholics --- unmarried parents, half brother and sisters, sibling rivalries, whole family not sold to the idea of one member entering Carmel. My half brother and my dying sister have never spoken since birth though we all grew up in the same house. This is one of my reasons for leaving Carmel as well --- their reconciliation before my sister dies.
My absence made it possible for my brother to do the things that I’m suppose to do. It seems like God’s plan is just beginning to unfold. With tears in her eyes, my mother had a hard time finishing the story of how my dying sister held firmly and tightly my brother’s hand while on their way to the hospital. Twenty eight years of bitter relationship…then a miracle! Only my family can attest to the forgiveness and healing that transpired not only to the two of them but to all of us. Maybe, just maybe, the opportunity for my brother to demonstrate his love and concern for my dying sister would not have happened if I was around. Truly, God works in mysterious ways.
My mother recalled my last text message for my sister, “Ate, pag di ka pa gumaling, uuwi na ‘ko” She was not able to reply back to me but the people around her heard that she commented jokingly, “subukan mo lang lumabas, babatukan kita!” To me, she affirms that I pursue my vocation. As I have mentioned earlier, everyone in my family is not that 100% supportive of my decision in entering Carmel. My sister’s simple statement though gave me her blessings and proved that she wants me to serve God without any reservation. She offered a great deal of sacrifice for all of us. I believe in the communion of saints. Thank God He gave me one powerful martyr sister whom I’m sure offered her suffering for all of us.
My father, the quiet type and indifferent in my chosen path, now starts to ask questions about my life here in Carmel, whether I’m happy here. He personally accompanied me to the airport for my flight back to Iloilo. Before he left for the States, I gave a call and his parting words were… “I love you.”
Honestly, I’m not used to this. My Postulant director suggested that I write my Dad a letter and tell him that I love him also. At first I was hesitant, but later on I managed to write him my very first intimate “hari ng kabaduyan” love letter. While scribbling my thoughts, I began telling him how grateful I am for having him as my father. I told him that if ever I’ll have a crisis in my vocation, I will look up to his very concrete and loving example of dedication and total sacrifice. He has shown me how it is to endure everything just for a loved one --- leaving us and working far away just to ensure our bright future. Now I know that there’s a blood flowing in me that is capable of sacrificing for a loved one. Now that I’ve also found my one true love… that is --- God… I’ll follow my father’s example of what true love is. Thank you dad! I’m really proud of having a father like you. I love you.
God has given me a great opportunity to glance at the fulfillment of His promises. Just like St. Therese… there are so many internal movements that I can only sing when I’m back home to the Fatherland. No matter how much we mortify ourselves…we cannot outdo the generosity and love of God for us. As I told you, the surprise was on me.
A week after I entered postulancy, she was admitted to Makati Medical Center because of her lupus. This has been going on for the past 7 years. She’s been in and out of the hospital ever since. But this last attack, she was not able to stay home for a week. I had my moments with her at the hospital before I entered Carmel. It’s still vivid in my memory when she bangs her head on the wall just to ease the pain. I once “texted” her “’pag di ka pa gumaling, uuwi na ako!” --- there was no reply. This tormented me in my silent prayers.
As I enjoy the solitude and silence here in Carmel, and as I pray for her, it seems that this is all I can do! Should I be back there, my presence could be a great help both for my sister and my mother while at the same time I could pray for her. I’m only 25 years old anyway. I have 10 more years to discern. Maybe, I should serve first my family. But I never wanted to decide for myself. I want God to answer…and I want His answer now!
Immersion came. My concerns for my family were temporarily cast into oblivion. After two weeks though, in the middle of a wedding reception, I was fetched by the parish driver…”pinatatawag ka ni Fr. Alex.” With that line, I already knew something’s wrong back home. My sister passed away the previous night. No tears came out of my eyes. To me, she’s better now that she’s at peace. She’s already in God’s hands… I was even singing “In manus tuas Pater.” Fr. Rey handed me a plane ticket… my first time to ride a plane. Sitting on that plane, I was enveloped with numbness. I don’t know how I felt; I don’t know what I felt. I was having mixed emotions. I was longing to be with my love ones. I haven’t imagined that our reunion would turn out to be something like this. It never occurred to my mind that at that instance, all my faculties to control the situations around me were taken cared of by my BELOVED. I was soaring high “in the shadow of Your Wings…I’ll sing your merciful love…”
When the plane landed in Manila, I was curious whether people would notice certain changes in me. Four months of silence and seclusion made me believe that for sure there is something in me that God has changed. But the surprise was on me! As a postulant, I quietly boasted (or sometimes complained) about my efforts to get close to the Lord. I did the hard work of sacrifice to endure the trials of Carmel. But God was also working 24 hours a day for me. Anticipating that I’de be noticed, I was shocked at the enormous change He made in my family!
My family is a bunch of non-practicing Catholics --- unmarried parents, half brother and sisters, sibling rivalries, whole family not sold to the idea of one member entering Carmel. My half brother and my dying sister have never spoken since birth though we all grew up in the same house. This is one of my reasons for leaving Carmel as well --- their reconciliation before my sister dies.
My absence made it possible for my brother to do the things that I’m suppose to do. It seems like God’s plan is just beginning to unfold. With tears in her eyes, my mother had a hard time finishing the story of how my dying sister held firmly and tightly my brother’s hand while on their way to the hospital. Twenty eight years of bitter relationship…then a miracle! Only my family can attest to the forgiveness and healing that transpired not only to the two of them but to all of us. Maybe, just maybe, the opportunity for my brother to demonstrate his love and concern for my dying sister would not have happened if I was around. Truly, God works in mysterious ways.
My mother recalled my last text message for my sister, “Ate, pag di ka pa gumaling, uuwi na ‘ko” She was not able to reply back to me but the people around her heard that she commented jokingly, “subukan mo lang lumabas, babatukan kita!” To me, she affirms that I pursue my vocation. As I have mentioned earlier, everyone in my family is not that 100% supportive of my decision in entering Carmel. My sister’s simple statement though gave me her blessings and proved that she wants me to serve God without any reservation. She offered a great deal of sacrifice for all of us. I believe in the communion of saints. Thank God He gave me one powerful martyr sister whom I’m sure offered her suffering for all of us.
My father, the quiet type and indifferent in my chosen path, now starts to ask questions about my life here in Carmel, whether I’m happy here. He personally accompanied me to the airport for my flight back to Iloilo. Before he left for the States, I gave a call and his parting words were… “I love you.”
Honestly, I’m not used to this. My Postulant director suggested that I write my Dad a letter and tell him that I love him also. At first I was hesitant, but later on I managed to write him my very first intimate “hari ng kabaduyan” love letter. While scribbling my thoughts, I began telling him how grateful I am for having him as my father. I told him that if ever I’ll have a crisis in my vocation, I will look up to his very concrete and loving example of dedication and total sacrifice. He has shown me how it is to endure everything just for a loved one --- leaving us and working far away just to ensure our bright future. Now I know that there’s a blood flowing in me that is capable of sacrificing for a loved one. Now that I’ve also found my one true love… that is --- God… I’ll follow my father’s example of what true love is. Thank you dad! I’m really proud of having a father like you. I love you.
God has given me a great opportunity to glance at the fulfillment of His promises. Just like St. Therese… there are so many internal movements that I can only sing when I’m back home to the Fatherland. No matter how much we mortify ourselves…we cannot outdo the generosity and love of God for us. As I told you, the surprise was on me.
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Carlo Enrico C. Tinio of the Agony of Christ
San Pedro, Laguna