Keys to the Dungeon

“Those who are not yet entirely blind will not allow a good guide to lead them. Still able to perceive a little, they think that the road they see is the best, for they are unable to see other and better ones…Similarly, if the soul in traveling this road leans on my elements of its own knowledge or of its experience or knowledge of God, it will easily go astray or be detained because it did not desire to abide in complete blindness, in the faith that is its guide. However impressive may be one’s knowledge or experience of God, that knowledge or experience will have no resemblance to God and amount to very little.” (Ascent of Mount Carmel Book 2 chap. 4 p.160)

I have always considered myself faithful and ever obedient to whatever I “feel” God wants me to do or to believe. By experience, I have even forgotten thousand of deeds done for the Lord which I perceive as acting in total obedience and blindness. But viewing it now, recalling all those religious experiences, I have noticed that majority of them doesn’t really involve “personal risks.” It is not really a matter of life and death. It may affect my future, but it doesn’t really penetrate the deepest core of my being. The environment or priorities may be affected but my interior faculties are not really subjected to danger. Convictions may have been strengthened or weakened but life is always uncertain. In short, risk has always been calculated. There is always a plan B.

Now the time is ripe to be blind. All methods of calculations were cast off in my mind. I have to face the biggest monster I have long kept in the dungeon of my suppressed passion. For a very long time I have been vigilant in guarding this dungeon with the best of my strength…but I never allowed my “eye” to pierce through it. Before I was convince that I can move on without seriously facing this monster…if I cannot kill him, at least I can put him in chains. He can frighten me but he cannot kill me.

But now, the master of the house wants me to open all the doors…even the secret doors. Slowly I opened the nearest to him…taking all the time I have to delay the trip in going to the most dreaded place. He stayed in one place. He never moved. And the only light that guided me as I walk around the house is the occasional glimpse to him that my eye managed to steal from time to time as I hesitate to continue in doing what he wished. My familiarity with him convinces me that anytime I ask him to just be contented to whatever I have opened already –HE’LL BE SATIFIED. He will not force me, he will not be disappointed. If I want to stop, I can stop. If I refuse to unlock certain chambers of the mansion, HE’LL UNDERSTAND.

But it is time. He is the master of the house. All is subject under his might. Is it difficult and scary for me but fired with love of him, I choose to please him. But to do this, all the previous doors must be open. These are the only windows for me to see him, since as what I have mentioned earlier, he doesn’t move from that same spot, and the only light available is the occasional glimpse to his face.
It is time. I’m on my way to the dungeon. There’s only a single door that leads to it. That door is farthest from the place where the monster dwells. The dungeon is below that portal. A stiff ladder leads to it. As I take one step at a time, being immersed and swallowed by the shadow of the darkness of my own created force field --- the shield that prevents the monster from breaking loose, the glimpse is getting blurd. I have to cast the shadows of my own army just for a small light coming from the portal way be seen. The stair is so low and deep, the sight vision of the portal where I came from seems likely to be the farthest star – twinkling it’s way to give me courage and hope that somehow, the master is there—as I go deeper, there’s no more light to guide me but only a star to remind me. It is necessary to get rid of my forces…there entails one thing, the monster is getting stronger, for he can feel the defense getting weaker. But this is necessary. I reached for the keys…it is labeled truth. My eye is blind, my one companion is fear, but my hand has the key. What will I do next?