“Where have you hidden, Beloved,
and left me
moaning?
You fled like the stag after wounding me;
I went out calling
you, but you were gone”
~ Saint John of the
Cross
(Spiritual Canticle stanza 1)
It was the Feast of the Queenship of
Mary and the Gospel reading was about the Workers at the Vineyard when the
owner paid equally even though they worked at different time and length. “Are
you jealous because I am generous?” – For me, this is just like another version
of “many are called but few are chosen.” Coincidentally, that day was also the
ordination to the priesthood of my batchmates in carmel. That day, I felt the
sadness again – I felt the pain once more. The feeling was so strong – it felt
like the thing just happened yesterday. Only in CEFAM did I realize that I was
not really able to grieve right after I was sent out.
When I went out, I have to work again
and worry about worldly things. I had difficulty looking for a job. Either they
consider me under or overly qualified. I have a degree in Engineering but when
asked regarding the last time I practiced; they refuse my application after
learning that I have not practiced it for the past eight years already. When I
applied for a teaching post in theology or religious education, despite my
colorful academic credentials, I was discriminated because I am an
ex-seminarian. One HR director told me, “Sorry
sir, but we have an unwritten directive not to admit former seminarians.”
After some time I became a call center agent … a job that I am not so proud of
and added more ingredient in my journey to self-pity. Imagine, part of that job
is selling and promoting “adult channels”
to foreign customers. I am not a conservative moralist but in this case, I
wallowed in self-pity finding myself, a theologian in this paradoxical
situation.
For a time, I know I was depressed
and anxious. To be honest, there were
times that I wished my life will just end. I don’t know where to go… I lost a
sense of direction. I thought everything was already lost. My future was
ruined, my dreams were shattered. The normal functioning of my life was
affected no matter how hard I tried to normalize it. After a year, I applied to
another religious congregation. I thought I was ready. I thought I was already
healed from the pain of rejection. It was time to move on. Good thing, I went
to CEFAM as well. Then emotions started to burst…
Last July 20, 2012, I attended the
Solemn Profession of Vows of my batchmates. I mastered all the courage that I
have in my heart and said to myself, “I
will exorcise this demon by going there and facing them with head up high and
with a heart full of authentic joy for my batchmates.” I learned from the
movie Malena that you can only regain your self-worth by standing where you
fell ~ I prefer writing it in Filipino: “tumindig ka kung saan ka nadapa.” And
so I went and met so many important people in my life. I was happy for my
batchmates and we reminisced so many treasured memories.
It was a powerful ritual of letting
go. Actually, it was so beautiful because what actually happened back then was,
in the morning I attended the Solemn Profession of my former batchmates; then I
grieved and ritualize my farewell in my evening prayer by crying; then in that
same night my new community had our first community night celebration. It was
like burying and giving birth. I am now ready to move on with my life – so I
thought.
August 22: I was the one processed in
one of my classes in CEFAM and the method used was Gestalt. As I have written
earlier, that day was also the ordination to the priesthood of my batchmates in
carmel. I felt the sadness again – I felt the pain once more. That day, I
called GOD in the circle. It was like putting “God on trial.” Fr. Arsie, my professor, allowed me to confront God
in the empty chair.
I told God I am angry. I told Him I
am still hurting. I told Him that I love Him “pero nagtatampo ako sa kanya.” Why did He allow this to happen? It
was a catharsis. I cried really hard. This was not the first time I cried. I
remember crying in some of my prayer times. But this was the first time I cried
about this with a support group. After the session, I felt God’s loving
presence through my peers. I felt Him through the love of my classmates. It was
the highest empathy I received. This was the first time that I really felt
understood. Somehow I believe that they felt the pain I am feeling. They were
very supportive and understanding. I am glad I felt like a burden was lifted
from my back. I felt very light after the session and revitalized.
According to Scott Peck, the most
common cause of depression is “when a
person is caught between the need to give up something and their will to hold
on to it or their anger at having to give it up.”[1] In this case,
what I need to give up is my fantasy that all of what’s happening is just a
dream – a nightmare that will not last because soon I will wake up and see that
everything is back the way it was. But this is a fantasy. I need to give up
this fantasy – this desire to go back to my previous life since my reality is
unalterably different. Sometimes, my stubborn strong will can still re-create
my “Carmelite world” but somehow, this is just an escape to what is real right
now. I can create reveries of the silence and solitude of Carmel at the expense
of ignoring the “amazing grace” that Augustine is offering me in the here and
now. If I continue clinging on to my fantasy, I will also continuously ignore
the parts of my reality that does not fit in. If I will continue to re-create
the environment I had in Carmel, I might miss the opportunity of appreciating
and valuing what the Augustinians (or should I say God) is offering me right
now.
At that moment I acknowledged the
feelings. I licked my wounds – thanks to CEFAM and to my Augustinian brothers
who were and still are very supportive of me. That session actually helped me
verbalize my feelings that I would rather not talk about less people might
misunderstand me. I know what I want. I want to be healed and I want to
continue my relationship with God and His people, but, I cannot short-cut the
process. Understanding what was happening within me surely helped in knowing
which path to take next.
What could God be telling back then? In
the processing that day, I learned that I was angry, depressed and even
burnout. CEFAM in general has helped me feel how God is taking care of me along
the way. In my search, I can compare now my experience with how God dealt with
the prophet Elijah.
Elijah experienced a burnout (refer
to 1Kings 19 – Queen Jezebel puts a death threat out on Elijah. Just a few days
after this enormous miracle where the whole nation turns back to God, Elijah
runs for his life across the desert, hides in a cave. He’s in fear saying,
"God, please kill me!"). How God dealt with his burnout gave me an
insight how to deal with mine.
When I was sent out of the seminary,
I depreciated my worth. There was a tape going on in my mind that says, "I’m a nobody. My life doesn’t matter.
I have no value." I started
comparing myself with my batchmates – I am far better than them. Why me? But
what’s worst was when I started comparing my expectations with the way life has
really turned out. I started criticizing myself. I feel guilty about all the
work I haven’t gotten done. Even if I graduated Summa cum Laude, I underrated
my work. Eventually I abdicated my dream. I lost my vision and forgot my goals.
I just wanted to give up. I was emotionally, physically and spiritually drained
I just want to give up. I stopped caring.
Reading the story of Elijah gave me an insight on how God dealt with
Elijah’s predicament. God told Elijah to
do four things to get over his burnout.
My body needed to rest. This is God’s
first step. His prescription to Elijah was to lie down under the tree and sleep.
He then told him to, `Get up and eat.’ When Elijah burned out, God didn’t give him a
lecture. God didn’t scold him. His first antidotes were sleep and eat.
Second, I released my frustrations.
What happened next after the sleeping and eating? God asked Elijah, `What are you doing here, Elijah?’ and
he replied, `I’ve been very zealous for
the Lord, but...’" Elijah began to tell his frustrations. What he says
is, "God, I’ve been living for You.
I’ve been trying to do the right thing. I’ve been a good person, following Your
plan for my life ... but..." Then he unloads in the next verses. God
knew that Elijah in his burnout was a basketful of emotions. So He said, "Elijah, spill your guts! Blow off some
steam. Tell Me what you’re really thinking. Tell Me what you’re really feeling.
What’s bugging you? Get it off your chest." This deals with the
emotional side of burnout. Revealing my feelings to our counseling session in
class was the beginning of healing. I’ve learned to express the feelings in my
heart that I’ve been holding in. I faced my frustrations and talk to God about
it. I told him, "God, this is the
way I feel." I expressed my feelings and laid them all out. God wasn’t
shocked with Elijah’s griping. He wasn’t shocked with the way he felt. When he
said, "God, I’m angry and I’m bitter
and I’m depressed and I’m lonely." God wasn’t surprised. God didn’t
say, "You shouldn’t feel that
way." He listened. I’m pretty sure God did that to me. God knows my
feelings better than I do. He just wants me to understand them and by talking
them out it helped me get in touch with what I was feeling and thinking.
Then He taught me to fix my eyes on
Him again. I needed to get my eyes off my problem and start looking at Jesus
again. I must have a fresh awareness of God’s power and presence in my life.
This is the third key to Elijah’s overcoming his burnout. "Go out and stand before Me on the mountain,’ the Lord told
him." God said, "Elijah, I
want you to get alone with Me for a while. There’s something I want you to
see." A powerful wind, pouring through the mountain, tore the mountain
apart, shattered the rocks before the Lord. The Lord was not in the hurricane
wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake. But the Lord was not in the
earthquake. And after the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the
fire – some kind of firestorm. And after the fire came a gentle whisper, a
still small voice. After Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face,
and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, `What are you doing here, Elijah?’"
Why? Because the root of all burnout is playing God. When I started playing
God, when I started acting as if God doesn’t matter, like I have to make it all
work, that I’m in charge, I’m in control, I’m the manager of my life – I set
myself up for burnout. God never meant for me to be the manager of my life.
I thank God that in my burnout I
didn’t walk out. It took many lonely walks, arguments, counseling and
communication work for me to finally express what was going on inside of me
without fear of rejection. I came to realize that being a Christian does not
exempt you from having disappointments, times of failure and angry moments.
That’s only part of being human. As soon as I could possibly allow myself to be
human I could feel myself breathe again. My Lord was teaching me to rest in
Him, to learn from Him and what He loved about me.
I have to rest my body, release my
emotions, and refocus on God. And finally, one last step in order to go back to
wholeness: resume serving others. I
have to stop thinking only about myself – introspection – all the time. I should start thinking about others who are
less fortunate than myself. When you’re in pain all you can see is yourself. If
you look around you’ll find somebody who is in more pain than you are. One of
the ways of getting out of burnout is to start giving your life away again in
helping somebody else. The more you give your life away, the more God blesses
you. I learned from Elijah that the way you come out of burnout is again, by
start giving away, then you begin to focus on the outside and begin to help
others.
I could have never gone out of
burnout by introspection alone. I needed to get outside of myself. Thank God I
found a ministry, found a place to serve. I have to be grateful and believe in
my talents again and use them. I learned to stop just focusing on myself and
started focusing on helping others. That brought my joy back. Joy comes from
service.
